First Date Safety: Make Sure Someone Knows Where You Are

Most bad dates are just bad dates.

When a first date goes wrong, it usually goes wrong in ordinary ways. The conversation stalls. The photos turn out to be from 2019. They spend forty minutes on their ex. You finish your drink, say it was nice to meet them, and go home with a story for the group chat.

A small number go wrong in a way that is not funny. Someone who seemed kind in messages gets pushy in person. A drink tastes off. A ride home turns into a detour. This guide is for that small number. Not to make dating feel dangerous, but so that if a date ever does go badly, someone you trust already knows where you are and who you are with.

It is written for anyone meeting someone new. If you are a woman, you have probably been doing some version of this for years.

"Text me when you get home" has a gap.

The classic first date safety plan is a deal with a friend. You send them the details, and they wait for a text that you made it home. It is a good plan. It also depends on your friend remembering, staying awake, and deciding on their own when late becomes worrying. Most people wait too long, because nobody wants to be the friend who panicked over a date that simply ran long.

Live location sharing helps, and you should use it. But it only helps if someone looks at the map at the right moment, and a dot on a map does not tell them who you are with.

The answer is not to drop the friend plan. It is to make the "you never texted" part happen on its own. More on that below. First, the basics.

Before the date.

Make sure they are who they say they are. Many dating apps now offer photo verification badges. A short video call before you meet is the simplest check of all. Search their name, and run a reverse image search on a photo or two: if the pictures belong to someone else, you will know.

Pick the place yourself. Somewhere public and busy that you already know: a coffee shop, a bar you like, a restaurant with people around. Not their place or yours, and not somewhere remote for a first meeting.

Get there and back on your own. Drive, take transit, or book your own ride. You can leave whenever you want, and they do not learn where you live.

Share the details with a friend. Their name, a screenshot of their profile, their phone number, where you are going, and when. Some dating apps have a built-in way to share date details, but a screenshot in a text works just as well.

Charge your phone. Bring a small battery pack if it might be a long night. Your phone is your ride home, your map, and your way to reach anyone.

During the date.

Keep your drink with you. Order it yourself, watch it being poured, and do not leave it unattended. If you step away, get a fresh one when you come back.

Know your limit. You do not have to drink at all on a first date. If you do, stay where you can still make clear decisions about how you get home.

Keep the personal details for later. Your address, your workplace, and your daily routine can wait until you actually know someone.

Trust the feeling. If something feels off, it does not need to be proven before you are allowed to act on it.

How to leave a bad date.

You do not owe anyone a full evening. "I'm going to head out, thanks for meeting me" is a complete sentence. You do not need an excuse, though a sudden work emergency is a time-honored one.

If you are uncomfortable and want help leaving, tell a bartender or server. Some bars take part in campaigns like "Ask for Angela" or the "angel shot," a code you can give staff to get help without a scene. Not every place does, so look for a sign in the restroom, or just say it plainly: "My date is making me uncomfortable. Can you help me get to a car?" Staff handle this more often than you would think.

Wait for your ride inside. Check the plate and the driver's name before you get in, and share the trip with your friend. If you ever feel you are in danger, call 911.

Make your check-in automatic.

A check-in app turns "text me when you get home" into something that does not depend on anyone watching the clock. It works like a dead man's switch: if you check in, nothing happens. If you do not, the people you chose hear from you automatically.

That is how If You Read This works. Opening the app is the check-in. If you have not opened it by your deadline, a message you wrote ahead of time is texted to your contact. They do not need the app. It arrives as an ordinary text.

How to set it up for a date:

Write a date message for your closest friend. On Pro, each contact can have their own message, so the friend who knows about the date gets the details and nobody else does.

Pick a window that covers the date, plus a buffer. On Pro, the check-in window can be 1, 3, 6, or 12 hours, or longer. Drinks after work might fit in 3 hours. Dinner and a second stop is more like 6: open the app as you leave at 6:30, and if you never open it again, your friend hears by 12:30.

Turn quiet hours off for the night. Quiet hours pause the countdown while you sleep, which is perfect most nights and exactly wrong on a date night. With them on, a late deadline would slide to the next morning.

Open the app when you arrive. Every time you open it, you check in: the clock restarts from that moment. On Pro, the alert includes where you last checked in, so opening it at the restaurant means the location your friend gets is where you actually met.

Open it again when you are home. That is your "home safe" text, without having to send one. If you forget, reminders by push notification and text come before the deadline, including a final one 30 minutes before.

Reset it the next day. Switch the window back to your usual one, and swap the date details in your message for your everyday message.

The free plan uses a fixed 24-hour window, which is too long for a date. The shorter windows, a message per contact, and location are part of Pro, which has a 7-day free trial. On Max, you can also attach a screenshot of their profile to your message.

One more thing: tell your friend what the message means. A missed check-in usually means a dead phone or a date that went well, so their first step is to call you. The message is for when you do not pick up.

What to put in your date message.

Write it for a friend who just woke up to it and needs to act in the next five minutes:

Name, number, place, time, and what you want them to do. That is all it needs. If you want help with the wording, our guide to writing an emergency message walks through it, and our piece on wellness checks explains what happens when someone asks the police to check on you.

A first date safety checklist.

A quick check that they are real: a verified profile, a video call, a reverse image search. A public place you chose, and your own way there and back. Their name, photo, number, and the plan, sent to a friend. A charged phone. Your drink in your hand. The confidence to leave whenever you want, and a bartender if you need help doing it. And a check-in that tells your friend automatically if you never make it home, set before you walk out the door.

Then go. Most first dates are fine, some are great, and the bad ones make the best stories. The point of all this is that you get to enjoy the evening, with someone ready to act if it ever comes to that.

If something did happen.

If a date ended in a way that hurt you, it is not your fault, no matter what you did or did not set up beforehand. In the US, the National Sexual Assault Hotline run by RAINN is free, confidential, and open around the clock: call 800-656-4673 or chat at online.rainn.org. In Canada, your local sexual assault centre can help. In an emergency, call 911.